Red Oak Victories

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Four months ago, I could have swore I met my soul mate. He had beautiful eyes and reconstructed teeth. He’d grown up in Maryland, developed an affinity for bees and social change. He owned a home, he had refurbished in a year with his own two hands. A Unitarian Universalist, he had recently dropped out of seminary. He stirred so many feelings within me, beyond the giddy lightness, there was a sense of intrigue that resonated; accompanied by an authentic admiration. His spirit made me want to be better, more ambitious, and always in his presence. He fueled premonitions of loving a wholesome man, a kiss with a baby on the hip before church, sunsets and walking across the lawn of his backyard. A different type of calm washed over me, a reassured hesitancy more for myself than for him.

I learned a very important lesson from the respect I held for this man. You see, I had never been hooked in such a unique way; the nuanced, palatable wonder. As I continue to walk the universe, I will be on high alert for this feeling, this sense of longing. And the knowledge that good men, admirable men, are really real despite how fleeting they may be.

NSFW

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Some of the best conversations I have had with my co-workers have been about topics we are not supposed to talk about at work, during work. My favorite moments in the gathering that I do is in the gnawing realness you stumble into with people when you least expect it.

I first met the boy named after the first man in April of 2014. We had a rocky, adolescent start; a crash course in communication and hard headedness. I have come to realize, that the thing about him was, that he was so transparent that I did not know if I could trust him.

As we become more comfortable with people, we reveal more of our selves, be it after five hours or five months. After a while, we developed a shared give and take, a twenty minute space, a think tank.

You see, he became the first man I have ever known to honestly admit to me that he is still figuring out what love is; how heartbreak feels, the ache of loneliness, the frustrations of dating and for that he’s my best work friend. Over the course of a year, in bits and pieces I have learned the rivers and fibers of who he is; what lurks beneath and how to trust my navigation of it. For that I will be forever grateful.

Love Transcends

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About a month ago, I was sitting at my favorite place Café 4, feeling so small. Again, I was anxious, criticizing myself for still feeling love towards another person; my old best friend, the man I never thought I would be without. When your days are long and either full of work of rich with stillness, you roll over your thoughts and sift through your feelings. In a year, I learned anguish and peace, anger and longing, release and self-acceptance; all of these beautiful realizations came to me after this love. From a chair that wrapped around me, I finally admitted to myself that it is okay to still be in love. I also realized that I was destined to love him this much; you are meant to learn who you are when you are in love, how you give, how you feel; what love looks like on you. Everyone deserves to feel life changing love, how it can move; the power it has the peace and happiness it holds. I finally realized that this residual love will always be present in bits and pieces for a reason; to be harnessed. Upon this realization, I decided to allow this love to fill other parts of my life. Suddenly, I was weightless; within days I was at peace, still. The minute I forgave myself and looked at the larger perspective of it all, there was no rush to heal; instead there was time and an opportunity to share with everyone this unique type of love that I once gave him.