Four months ago, I could have swore I met my soul mate. He had beautiful eyes and reconstructed teeth. He’d grown up in Maryland, developed an affinity for bees and social change. He owned a home, he had refurbished in a year with his own two hands. A Unitarian Universalist, he had recently dropped out of seminary. He stirred so many feelings within me, beyond the giddy lightness, there was a sense of intrigue that resonated; accompanied by an authentic admiration. His spirit made me want to be better, more ambitious, and always in his presence. He fueled premonitions of loving a wholesome man, a kiss with a baby on the hip before church, sunsets and walking across the lawn of his backyard. A different type of calm washed over me, a reassured hesitancy more for myself than for him.
I learned a very important lesson from the respect I held for this man. You see, I had never been hooked in such a unique way; the nuanced, palatable wonder. As I continue to walk the universe, I will be on high alert for this feeling, this sense of longing. And the knowledge that good men, admirable men, are really real despite how fleeting they may be.
Some of the best conversations I have had with my co-workers have been about topics we are not supposed to talk about at work, during work. My favorite moments in the gathering that I do is in the gnawing realness you stumble into with people when you least expect it.
I first met the boy named after the first man in April of 2014. We had a rocky, adolescent start; a crash course in communication and hard headedness. I have come to realize, that the thing about him was, that he was so transparent that I did not know if I could trust him.
As we become more comfortable with people, we reveal more of our selves, be it after five hours or five months. After a while, we developed a shared give and take, a twenty minute space, a think tank.
You see, he became the first man I have ever known to honestly admit to me that he is still figuring out what love is; how heartbreak feels, the ache of loneliness, the frustrations of dating and for that he’s my best work friend. Over the course of a year, in bits and pieces I have learned the rivers and fibers of who he is; what lurks beneath and how to trust my navigation of it. For that I will be forever grateful.
About a month ago, I was sitting at my favorite place Café 4, feeling so small. Again, I was anxious, criticizing myself for still feeling love towards another person; my old best friend, the man I never thought I would be without. When your days are long and either full of work of rich with stillness, you roll over your thoughts and sift through your feelings. In a year, I learned anguish and peace, anger and longing, release and self-acceptance; all of these beautiful realizations came to me after this love. From a chair that wrapped around me, I finally admitted to myself that it is okay to still be in love. I also realized that I was destined to love him this much; you are meant to learn who you are when you are in love, how you give, how you feel; what love looks like on you. Everyone deserves to feel life changing love, how it can move; the power it has the peace and happiness it holds. I finally realized that this residual love will always be present in bits and pieces for a reason; to be harnessed. Upon this realization, I decided to allow this love to fill other parts of my life. Suddenly, I was weightless; within days I was at peace, still. The minute I forgave myself and looked at the larger perspective of it all, there was no rush to heal; instead there was time and an opportunity to share with everyone this unique type of love that I once gave him.