Sometimes, I feel scared by how deeply I feel. Lately, it’s been shocking to feel Jesus inside of you, deep down. On Sunday specifically, like in the core of me, kinda like a heart chakra, but unnerving and moving and powerful all at the same time. Some days I love it. Some days I learn. Other days I mope and feel crummy despite sitting with him and reading and praying.
The most powerful realization I’ve had thus far, is that I’m not dead to love or lust or intimacy. A few weeks ago, I was texting with my favorite girl and she had mentioned the word intimacy and it was like it didn’t apply to me or I had forgotten to associate that with sacred beautiful things. I just thought for a moment, that’s her problem, I never miss that. I’m beginning to wonder if I ever really had it.
Because then I began to want it. Somewhere in this time of deprivation I began to want. Realized I still have the appetite for relational closeness. I want to build something with someone. Despite how terrified I am of being relationally vulnerable, I want it. I want non-sexual physical closeness too.
Went out with a friend the other night and from across the table she stopped herself from talking about a boy. I said I don’t care. It’s funny because a week ago, another friend had mentioned boy talk at an upcoming party. While I love how considerate my friends are, I also enjoy listening. I am eager to learn. And when I was a vegetarian, no one said, oh I won’t eat this steak in front of you. I don’t think of this as a “man fast,” as others have referred to it, more like I’m gorging myself on other things. There is no lack. Which I’ve found is the key to success in any time of removing something be it sugar, the internet, or sex.
I do find myself beginning to want what I’ve been experiencing for those around me. Which is a typical response for me when I look back on my experiments with deprivation. I mean, everyone should know how it feels to be told, “You’re so on fire for Jesus,” or “You’re so different,” or to look past the members of the opposite sex, or to feel content and present. Or to wonder what their future spouse would think of that decision they made or the way they let that guy talk to them. Yeah it’s taken about two weeks for the gravity of what I’ve committed to-to really sink in, maybe cos I’ve been so lost in Jesus.
I’ve been rebuilding my wardrobe too. Almost effortlessly stopped fishing with my body. Some days I barely wear make-up. Thanks Andy Stanley.
But yeah the epiphanies come in ittie bittie waves, I’ll keep y’all posted.