When I have Children

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 they won’t stare at anyone

And if they do it will be because they are rearranging letters to spell words

Or looking through them

Picking them up

Putting them down

When I have children they will never be cold

They will be taught how to love

When I have children they won’t whine when I brush their hair

I will know how to explain the difficult questions to them

When to dig deeper

How to challenge what they understand

When I have children I will feel as alive as I have always hoped to one day be

I will slowly make love to my husband on the grass in the backyard as our babes nap tucked away in a twin bed

When I have children they will only feel fear when they realize how much they are loved

I will let them say I hate you for all the times I never said this to my own parents

I will teach them how to punch

How to act five going on ten

How to flirt

When to say no

On Sundays we will sleep until 9:30 and make pancakes before church

They’ll beg for vanilla in the dough

And scream with glee as they enter a library

When I have children I will fight every desire to make them like me out of my own fear of their immense, ever changing beauty

I won’t cry from stress at bible study because the living room is a mess and Josiah is teething

When I have children we will fall asleep on the couch, they tiny heads nodding around

I will worship them and clean dirt from my finger nails

I will finally tolerate being around other people

Because these people will be my people

Pieces of the best and worst and unknown parts of me

Rebuilding my soul with baby laughs and tiny hands

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